Movies to miss in March

I'm clearly not the target demographic for most of this month's un-recommendations, but that doesn't mean I can't spot a crappy piece of cinema from a mile away. Here's the rundown of what not to see in March.

Beastly
I usually try to avoid looking at reviews before I blindly bash these films, as it kind of takes all the fun out of predicting whether or not they'll be terrible, but I couldn't help it with Beastly. According to the consensus, while love is never ugly, movies certainly can be. My favorite comment pretty much verifies what I feared this film would be: "starring 20-year-olds playing 17-year-olds penned as 12-year-olds." Lovely! And for you 13-year-old Twi-Tweens out there, you get two movies aimed at cashing in on your adolescent emotions in one month! I give you...

Red Riding Hood
This one's actually directed by the guy who directed the first Twilight film. While taking more of a fantasy approach, Red Riding features an emotional yet strong young woman who is torn between two love interests, both hunky dudes and one who might be a murderous creature of the night. This is just shameless.

Take Me Home Tonight
You're better than this, Topher Grace. Or, at least I hope you are. Take Me Home Tonight is about 10 years late to the party. These movies were all the rage back at the turn of the century but, unless you have something new to offer (which TMHT doesn't appear to), I'm not sure why anyone would even bother.

Mars Needs Moms
Aside from just looking unfunny and uninteresting in every way, I think what scares me away from Mars Needs Moms the most involves the infamous uncanny valley. Most of the animations look cartoony, which is fine. But the animators clearly used some sophisticated face-tracking tech for their characters, making it look like an almost human face is talking in the middle of a silly character. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Movies to miss in February

Craptastic cinema has been pretty dry through the past few months, but that's all about to change thanks to a bountiful February.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
Not even if it's in the sentence "You should never see this movie?" To be fair, I'm not exactly the target demographic for this particular film, but that doesn't mean I can't take this opportunity to openly state my dislike of Sr. Bieber and the effect he's had on people like my sweet, innocent niece. Based on his autobiography (because he's already lived such a long and storied life, you know), I expect theaters to sound like a cave full of disgruntled bats through the next few weeks due to the constant screams of adolescent ladies.

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Movies to miss in January

There are only a handful of movies coming out this month and, as such, there's certainly not a whole lot to warn you away from.

The beginning of the year is always slow for movies, so maybe take this time to catch up on some reading. Or you could always check out some of the late-2010 greats like True Grit or Black Swan. But the choice is ultimately yours. I'm not here to tell you how to run your life...Just which movies not to see.

Season of the Witch
This is, quite literally, the only film I have a legitimate beef with this month. I love Ron Perlman and, most of the time, have trouble finding fault in anything Nicholas Cage does, no matter how bad it turns out. This one, though, just looks terrible. I was going to give it a bye for the month, but then I saw the approval rating over at Rotten Tomatoes was somewhere around two percent, making it clear that I had to at least say something.

No Strings Attached
I'm going to be honest: I plan on marrying Natalie Portman. As such, I cannot recommend anyone go see a film where she is acting in a romantic fashion with another man. It would just feel wrong.

Movies to Miss in December

Much like the world of video games, there isn't a whole lot happening for movies in the year's final month.

If you have children you also happen to dislike, by all means, go see the following films. Otherwise, I'm left once again wondering who actually gets paid to make some of these decisions in Hollywood. I want that job. "You want to turn Street Sharks into a film? Brilliant! Here's a million bucks. Make it hot!"

Yogi Bear
There's a very special place in hell for the folks who green-lit this monstrosity. Seriously, folks, we don't need to cash-in on every single cartoon and television show from the 70s and 80s. Some things are best left in the past and, yeah, Yogi is definitely one of them. This looks like a train wreck in slow motion. Do modern kids even know or give a crap about these characters?

Gulliver's Travels
I'm one of those people who usually likes what Jack Black has to offer. Except for this. This looks like poop. I'll give him this freebie under the assumption he's got some bills to pay, even though I'm pretty sure Kung-Fu Panda 2 would have taken care of that...Maybe he was really stoned when he signed on? That's about the only way you'll ever get me to watch this.

Movies to miss in November

It's another light month for awful-looking cinema with only three films appearing so bad that I would preemptively recommend you just pretend they don't exist.

Skyline
Anyone know where this movie came from? Not that something so simple as late marketing should keep you away from a film, but when something that looks this "big" pops up out of nowhere with a no-name cast and a half-assed viral campaign, I tend to be sceptical. Early reviews are pretty much saying the same thing "decent special effects with a low budget, but poor drama and even poorer writing." I'm all for under-the-radar Sci-Fi flicks, but the consensus seems to be that this one is missable.

Faster
Dammit, The Rock. You had such potential. Unless this movie is actually supposed to be as bad as it looks, and the acting and dialogue are supposed to be god-awful for an ironic sort of throwback to classic revenge flicks, I can't imagine why anyone would want to see more than the terrible minute and a half of this film provided by the trailer. I honestly couldn't tell if the whole thing was meant to be tongue-in-cheek or if it was just doing a really, really bad job of taking itself seriously. If it's all in jest, then forget everything I just said.

Tangled
I'm usually all for a Disney flick, but this one just looks awful. Seriously, I'm one of those adults who can fall in love with a quality children's flick. Not a second of what I've seen of Tangled, though, makes me believe this film will have anything in it resembling "quality." Maybe I'm forgetting something, but I'm pretty sure this has been one of the worst years in a long time for family-friendly animated entertainment. Pixar, we're going to need you to ramp up production to about three movies a year. Thanks.

Movies to miss in October

Like every Halloween season, I have trouble actually calling out the hordes of horror movies set to hit the silver screen leading up to the big night.

Being the one genre where sucking is usually forgivable, it’s especially difficult to knock a film where psychopaths and massive bloodletting are the primary focus, geared at tickling your terror bone rather than reaching for high entertainment.

Still, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Chain Letter
Writers have officially run out of things to try to frighten us. Back in the day, machete-wielding goalies kept the youth away from sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Since then, babysitting, deep water and even falling asleep have been the targets for such terror.

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Movies to miss in September

This is actually shaping up to be a pretty decent month for terrible movies.

With yet another sequel to the Resident Evil franchise, a second-rate-looking animated film and something with M. Night Shamamamamalamalan tied to the project, movie-goers everywhere have several piles of poop to carefully side-step in the weeks ahead.

Be sure to head after the break for my thoughtful, detailed analysis of each.

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Movies to miss in August

There’s really not much to talk about in the land of movies this month. Next to nothing is hitting the silver screen and even less is coming out on DVD. Despite that, I’m still going to razz on a couple pictures because, well, I can.

Step Up 3D
And the award for most useless implementation of 3D technology goes to…With a movie series like Step Up, whether or not the 3D is going to be used as a gimmick isn’t really worth debating. I’m not sure what to expect from this one. Are folks going to be dancing off the screen at me? Are we going to be pelted by pretend flying sweat and tossed hair? I’m dying to find out how many people are willing to pay the premium 3D price to see this crap opening weekend. I have a sneaking suspicion the answer will be more depressing than the end of Old Yeller, but maybe folks will take this opportunity to renew my faith in mankind by letting it flop like a landed trout

Vampires Suck
If anything deserves to take some flak these days, it’s Twilight and the millions of horrible vampire books, movies, TV shows and comics that have popped up in its wake. However, is it worse to be the pile of crap, or the person who is going to make money by leeching off the pile of crap while simultaneously reprimanding it? You be the judge. As for me, I’m coining the phrase “a royal circle-suck,” to describe such situations.

Movies to miss in July

Wow has this summer has been a snoozer for films. It almost feels silly writing about the ones I have such low expectations for when, really, I don't have high expectations for anything hitting the silver screen anytime soon. Still, there's a few that require special attention and that's why I'm here.

Salt
It feels like this is the type of movie Angelina Jolie SHOULD be making, but nothing about Salt feels right to me. This feels way too much like the lady version of Travolta's From Paris, With Love. I would happily follow Angelina Jolie to the ends of the earth...So long as they aren't showing this movie when we get there.

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
I seriously doubt my readership is the intended audience for this out-of-nowhere sequel, but just in case, I felt it was worth mentioning.

Predators
Let's get one thing clear: I desperately want this movie to be good. More so than any movie ever put in the movies-to-miss category, I want to be wrong about this one. However, even with A-Bro leading the cast, I have a sneaking suspicion viewers are in for another unneeded raping of a beloved franchise. After AvP and it's follow-up, though, can it really get any worse?

Movies to miss in June

Before I go any further, I would like you readers to take a look at that poster for The Killers.

Obviously, there are about a million things wrong with it, but is it me, or are they playing a game of opposite-face?

Shouldn’t the trigger-happy hunk with a license to “blah,” gun at the ready, be smiling like a goob while the scared, confused, betrayed wife who barely wants to touch the 50-calibur death dealer be making the obnoxious unhappy expression?

This might be the worst movie poster ever made. I dare you to find one more worthy of that title.

That being said, the summer months apparently have me in a good mood when it comes to bashing movies. Grown Ups, The A-Team and The Karate Kid almost made it on the list, but then I realized, deep down, I wouldn’t mind checking them out for a laugh. They, at least, have a chance of being entertaining (even if not for the right reasons).

The next two flicks, though, reek of craptacular pooptitude.

The Killers: I can’t decide if this or the upcoming Knight and Day, featuring Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruize, looks like the worse version of the same story, but suffice it to say both look utterly terrible. I think Kutcher and Heigl could be a good team, just not in this movie. I may have broken the record for most groans in two minutes while watching this one’s trailer.

The Twilight Saga- Eclipse: I keep telling myself there’s only two more of these and we’ll be done (since the final book is being made into two movies and all), but that doesn’t take away the annual sting from having to deal with Twitweens and Twimoms for another month. I’m fairly sure hardcore Trekies consider these folks over-the-top and obnoxious, and that’s saying something. I felt it unfair to keep judging without proper initiation, so I did sit down with the GF to watch the first movie. Unless vampires can perform miracles this time around, moviegoers can expect nothing of substance to come out of this melodramatic drivel.

Movies to miss in April

Continuing my quest to steer you clear of craptastic films, I give you April’s list of movies to miss. Enjoy! Well, actually, DON’T enjoy. Stay far, far away.

Why Did I Get Married Too?: For the love of God, Tyler Perry, find a new hobby. As if your usual schlock wasn’t shallow and self-masturbatory enough, you manage to crank out a sequel to one of your lesser known films that didn’t even break 50 percent on a metascore? The fact that the original came out like a year ago just goes to show how much effort must be going into creating your films. Thanks for the effort! Way to totally take advantage of your target audience, a group of people your own films encourage to break away from such terrible practices. “Don’t let The Man take advantage of you…Unless that man is me.” Bravo, ya jerk.

The Back-Up Plan: It’s a movie about a woman who, fed up with falling for losers and desperate for motherhood, decides to go the solo route and get’s knocked up in a lab. At this point, I’m game. A strong woman is unwilling to just settle with some undeserving slob and proves you don’t need a man to be a mommy. Great. Fantastic. Waitaminute! She then falls for the perfect guy and decides to hide her little secret long enough for their love to kindle and then expects him to be cool with the whole thing because, you know, they’re in love now and she’s really super sorry and all. You lying, manipulative…Next!

Furry Vengeance: At this point, Brendan Fraser, I think you’re more or less doing this to yourself. I’m sure your role as a real estate developer moving into a new house only to be attacked by the wildlife whose homes you are destroying is cute and all but, really? I mean…Really? What’s next? Encino Man 2? (For the record, I would actually be all for that one so long as it’s a full cast reunion. I’m serious. Make it happen.)

Movies to miss in March

Other than the upcoming Alice in Wonderland, March doesn’t have a lot going for it on the ole silver screen. Most offerings are just mediocre, but a few look especially bad, earning a spot on the monthly list of Movies to Miss.

Hot Tub Time Machine- I hope I’m wrong about this one, considering that it has a pretty good cast, but any plot that involves a group of down-on-their-luck men climbing into a hot tub and teleporting back in time to when they were young chick-magnets seems like a bad way to build a movie.

She’s Out of My League- I like Jay Baruchel and I’m happy to see him step into a leading role, but when a comedy’s trailer fails to make me crack a single grin, that’s usually a sign to just pretend said movie doesn’t exist.

Remember Me- I’m recommending everyone stay away from this film for one simple reason: It’s a romantic drama starring everybody’s favorite sparkling bloodsucker, Robert Patinson. Ignoring the fact he’s a tool and probably should be ignored on those grounds alone, can you imagine what the theater is going to be like when this movie is showing? Twilight Moms and Twi-Tweens squealing, swooning and weeping openly for two straight hours…Yeah, no.

Bounty Hunter- Gerard Butler plays a bounty hunter who gets sent after his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston. Eventually the pair get caught up in a murder scandal and find themselves on the run together. My money is on a cliché rekindled romance amidst flying bullets, sub-par action sequences and a hilarious scene where one accidentally walks in on the other one naked (So embarrassing!), but hey, I could be wrong.

Movies to miss in February

There aren’t a lot of movies hitting the silver screen this month, leaving plenty of extra time for folks to go outside and—who am I kidding? We’re all doomed without our moving pictures. Doomed!

The nice thing about fewer movies dropping? Fewer terrible movies to avoid. It’s a short list for February, but that doesn’t make these movies any less unimportant.

From Paris with Love: Seeing John Travolta trying to be a young, cool, violent action star is about as entertaining as seeing Sandra Bullock playing a ditzy 20-something in films like All About Steve. This looks worse than xXx, and that’s saying something.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians- The Lightning Thief: I’m prematurely panning this film for two less-than-relevant reasons. Number one, the title is too freaking long. There, I said it. Number two, I’ve had to sit through watching the kid who plays Percy Jackson doing interviews before every movie at the theaters for the past two months and holy crap is he arrogant. You’re playing the son of Poseidon, kid. You’re not actually Percy Jackson and therefore have no right to be such a tool. This might actually be a decent fantasy film (not likely, but possible), but I’ll never know because I can’t stomach the thought of watching this guy for more than five minutes. I hope your franchise dies a quick death, Percy. *shakes fist at the sky*

Movies to miss in January

While the first month of the New Year brings with it a nice selection of decent movie-going options—Daybreakers, Legion, The Book of Eli, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus—there’s also a few bad apples in the mix I’d suggest folks just steer clear of.

Leap Year- A woman’s boyfriend won’t propose, so what does she do? She books a flight to Ireland where she aims to hunt him down and propose to him herself. Irish tradition has it that if a woman asks for your hand in marriage on the day a leap year begins, you can’t say no. She gets lost along the way, however, and has to rely on a rugged, good looking lad to help her find her way around the Emerald Isle. Golly, I wonder if she’ll have a change of heart and propose to this new guy instead.

Crazy on the Outside- Tim Allen tries to break into a more adult role with this comedy (?) about a guy fresh out of prison and forced to live with his sister and her crazy family. If he attempted to super-charge a lawnmower while grunting in a manly fashion somewhere in this film, I might be down. Otherwise, I’m fairly certain we’re eyeing a pile of poop here.

The Spy Next Door- Dammit, Jackie Chan. Dammit all to hell.

Tooth Fairy- The damning goes doubly for you, The Rock. Please end your contract with Disney and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get another shot at some decent roles.

Movies to miss in December

December’s movies to miss are so weak I considered not even bothering with a post. But you people rely on me to tell you what’s going to be poop at the box office and, dang it, I don’t plan on letting you down.

Transylmania: The fact that this got a silver screen showing and movies like Trick R’ Treat can spend two years in limbo before going straight to DVD is an injustice. In Transylmania, a class of over-sexed hotties head to the cursed lands of Transylvania for a semester abroad. Topless vampiresses and leather-clad teachers are, of course, part of the curriculum as these youths discover they may be the only hope to overthrow an evil vampire and banish him from the school for all eternity…Or at least until the inevitable sequel.

Alvin and the Chipmunks- The Squekuel: Do I really have to explain why you should skip this one? Good. I was getting a little worried there.

Movies to miss in November

I would give November a break for having so few terrible movies slated for release, but the two it does have are pretty big hitters in the “lame” department and more than worthy of my premature harsh judgment.

2012- If they would actually market this film as “the biggest disaster the world would ever know,” I might let is slide. I’d laugh heartily, then let it slide. As is, the 2012 team is taking its disaster-porn offering way too seriously. I don’t doubt this will be some pretty cool eye candy. For viewers with half a brain, though, I’m willing to bet all the shiny images will pale in comparison to just how far your suspension of disbelief is expected to stretch.

New Moon- Please, Twilight, just die already. Take your screaming, ridiculous 13-30 ladies and just go. I wish I had a database of all the folks going crazy over this film. That way, the next time I hear something like, “You’re such a nerd! You went to a midnight release for one of those videogames” or “I can’t believe you’re going to the theater three hours early for that geeky sci-fi movie,” I can click a few keys and respond with “Says the person who bought their New Moon tickets for opening day a month in advance, re-read all the horribly-written novels to ‘get fired up for it’ and then showed up to the theater a day early with sparkle makeup all over their damn body.”

Movies to Miss in October

There’s a lot of straight to DVD horror movies on the shelves this month, but some of those are kind of supposed to be bad, so I’m not including them on the List-o-Poop for October. I think horror is just about the only genre where being bad can also mean being very good. Gotta love those monster movie ripoffs shot over a weekend for the cost of 12 value meals and a case of soda.

Then again, as will most likely be evident by a couple flicks listed below, sometimes a bad horror movie is just bad. Really, really bad.

Free Style- When I first read-up on this film about a boy (who looks 30) and his quest to become a motocross world champion, my first thought was, “Oh. Well, this has got to be going straight to the Disney Channel. I’ll cut it some slack.” Then I saw the trailer for its impending big screen release. Really? I mean…Really?

The Stepfather- This could actually best Saw as the worst “horror” movie of the season. A guy returns home from the army (convenient) to discover his mom’s new boyfriend seems to have a dark and disturbing side. Is he hiding a secret? Could there be a killer locked behind those seemingly kind eyes? *raspberry* Who cares?

Saw VI- I think how fondly I remember the first Saw film is exponentially decreased by the number of crappy sequels in the franchise. At this point, we’re in the negatives. If memory serves correct, I went in to see Saw I and immediately went on a screaming rampage and burned down the theater.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen- I once again ignore my rule not to call a movie out twice (once in theaters and again on DVD) in order to fling a little mud at the sequel to the barely passable first Transformers film. I understand this more or less HAS to become a trilogy, but so help me, that better be where this crap ends.

Movies to miss in September

This month, movie-goers are being treated to a trifecta of terrible in the form of Sandra Bullock, Tyler Perry and a horrible horror movie remake. Score!

All About Steve- While I’ll agree Sandra Bullock is still a looker, I can’t help but be saddened by all these roles where her character acts like she’s in her mid-20s. The woman is nearly 50 and, I’m sorry, but the oddball cute girl thing just isn’t working out. It’s like having someone’s mom show up to a party dressed in the latest fashion, ready to dance the night away with all the hip youngsters. Sad, scary and anything but entertaining.

Sorority Row- I’ll give you a second to go ahead and soak in that poster. Is it just me, or do those girls look dead already? I’m sure that was the “point,” but even the acting in the damn photo is terrible. This is looking like a cross between Jawbreaker and I Know What You Did Last Summer and, if all other horror movie remakes can serve as s gauge, will likely poop all over the original film it’s based on.

Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself- I couldn’t have said it better myself, Tyler. At what point do we as a society have a responsibility to stop this nonsense? We hit my personal Perry threshold a few years ago. Either everyone else has a higher tolerance for suck than I do, or there are actually enough people out there who enjoy this crap to warrant its continued existence. That’s quite enough, Mr. Perry. Quite enough, indeed.

Movies to miss in August

With films like District 9 and Inglourious Basterds coming out this month, it’s kind of hard to be too upset with the few rotten apples in the bunch.

Then again, they look to be especially terrible, so I’ll do my best to put on a sad face and get to bashing them.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra- If Duke gets killed by a snake-spear at the end and Sgt. Slaughter tells me to say no to drugs in a PSA following the credits, all will be forgiven. Since that isn’t very likely, I’m going to have to call foul on this over the top, adrenaline fueled cash-in on yet another animated 80's television show. And what’s with the powersuits? Which genius in the writing room came up with that one? Did these guys even see G.I. Joe back when it was on T.V? I just…You can’t just…What do they even…I mean…Really?

Bandslam- I doubt too many female tweens read this blog, but just in case, this movie is totally not cool. I mean, for real. Janice said that Margret said that Samantha said a movie about a girl forming a band to pwn her high school rock star ex-boyfriend in a battle of the bands is soooo lame.

Post Grad- A girl graduates from college and learns she has to move back in with her ca-razy family because she can’t find a job and then, you know that guy she’s been BFFs with her entire life? I hear she totally kisses him. Make like a popular 90's exercise toy and skip it.

Halloween 2- Considering how big a leap in quality director Rob Zombie made between House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects, I was willing to believe a follow-up to his ill conceived Halloween remake might stand a chance to improve upon the first. Then I saw he somehow worked his wife (and terrible actress) into the film and realized I was just being a Wishful Willy. Le sigh.

Movies to miss in July

I always thought of myself as a romantic at heart, so I’m not sure why I hate on all these generic romantic comedies so hard. Oh, wait. Maybe it’s because they’re generic romantic comedies.

If you gots to go to the theater this July, do your best to avoid the following.

I Love You Beth Cooper- If there’s one thing I hate worse than the average generic romantic comedy, it’s one that is complete and utter BS. Maybe that’s what people find so appealing about these movies wherein the characters take chances and break stereotypes; they’re a nice thought even though it would never happen that way.

Name me one stuck-up high school cheerleader who, after being publicly humiliated by the class nerd on graduation night, would treat him to an evening of adventure, mayhem and sexual tension, and I’ll actually go see this movie. I would much rather see a movie wherein the nerd makes his confession and is then treated to a night of physical abuse by all the class jocks and a lifetime of embarrassment. I hate that’s how the world works, but I’m nothing if not grimly realistic.

Orphan- Look out everyone, it’s Damianette. We get it, kids can be really, really scary. Especially when they wear a strikingly bright outfit and give you a vacant stare. Thank you, The Ring, for rekindling everyone’s fear in creepy little children. Problem is, it’s not really scary anymore.

This one looks like a mix between The Omen, The Good Son and maybe a little Silent Hill thrown in. With so much creativity going for it, it’s sure to be a winner. (/sarcasm)

The Ugly Truth- What happens when a strong, independent female television executive is paired with a male pig of a star who promises his expertise on men, women and relationships can net her the man of her dreams despite her blatantly obvious hatred of the guy? I sure hope they don’t end up together. That would be just too crazy.

Aliens in the Attic- You know how you look at a valleygirl in the mall with a purse slung over her shoulder with a shaking, yappy little dog poking its head out as if it were some newfangled sort of wallet or something? That’s how I feel about this movie: insta-hate for no real reason.