Friday, April 2, 2010

Movies to miss in April

Continuing my quest to steer you clear of craptastic films, I give you April’s list of movies to miss. Enjoy! Well, actually, DON’T enjoy. Stay far, far away.

Why Did I Get Married Too?: For the love of God, Tyler Perry, find a new hobby. As if your usual schlock wasn’t shallow and self-masturbatory enough, you manage to crank out a sequel to one of your lesser known films that didn’t even break 50 percent on a metascore? The fact that the original came out like a year ago just goes to show how much effort must be going into creating your films. Thanks for the effort! Way to totally take advantage of your target audience, a group of people your own films encourage to break away from such terrible practices. “Don’t let The Man take advantage of you…Unless that man is me.” Bravo, ya jerk.

The Back-Up Plan: It’s a movie about a woman who, fed up with falling for losers and desperate for motherhood, decides to go the solo route and get’s knocked up in a lab. At this point, I’m game. A strong woman is unwilling to just settle with some undeserving slob and proves you don’t need a man to be a mommy. Great. Fantastic. Waitaminute! She then falls for the perfect guy and decides to hide her little secret long enough for their love to kindle and then expects him to be cool with the whole thing because, you know, they’re in love now and she’s really super sorry and all. You lying, manipulative…Next!

Furry Vengeance: At this point, Brendan Fraser, I think you’re more or less doing this to yourself. I’m sure your role as a real estate developer moving into a new house only to be attacked by the wildlife whose homes you are destroying is cute and all but, really? I mean…Really? What’s next? Encino Man 2? (For the record, I would actually be all for that one so long as it’s a full cast reunion. I’m serious. Make it happen.)

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