Monday, June 30, 2008

Monday mini-movies: Vengeful skateboard edition

I laugh...I laugh so hard.

Is that wrong?

I think not.

There's only one thing better than watching a guy get owned by his skateboard and that's watching the skateboard own the guy two times in 18 seconds.

When they showed this on AOTS last week, the host said the skateboard ended his reign of insult by stealing the guy's emo girlfriend. Now that is one vengeful skateboard.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Movie of da week: Wall-E

Believe it or not, this was a tough call.

On the one hand you have the smoking hot Angelina Echo (one day...) in Wanted putting bullets into anything moving and many things which don't. I'm all for comic book movies that don't suck and this one looks like exactly that.

Then, on the other hand, you have Wall-E; a cute, trash compacting robot who literally reaches for the stars in a quest for love and purpose.

(tosses coin)

Wall-E has the edge. If you can get out to both, I say go for it. I seriously doubt either of these box office flicks will disappoint. If you have to pick one, though, you literally can't go wrong with Pixar and I wouldn't be surprised if Wall-E is their best effort yet.

Rejected t-shirt ideas: Duty

With a bit of help from an outside influence (we shall call her Clue), we're rolling out a new feature here on called "Rejected t-shirt ideas." I'm sure the title of this post gave that away, but for those who move a bit slower than the rest of the pack, there you go.

The idea is simple. We create t-shirts that will most likely never be picked up by any manufacturer who actually wishes to make money. Every other Web site has their own clothing line, so why not, right?

And so, I give you the first entry in our sure-to-be-a-hit feature "Rejected t-shirt ideas." Feel free to print this one out and iron it on to anything and everything within your legal rights.

As for the design, I was considering those inspirational posters with, say, a picture of a wave rolling in and the word "Perseverance" stamped under it. Go into just about any office building in the country and you're likely to find one. Anyway, those things annoy me. As such, I decided to try my hand at creating my own inspirational one-liner/picture combo with plenty of pun.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Monday mini-movies: The Lost Boys edition

For the record, I'm actually pretty dang stoked for The Lost Boys: The Tribe.

More and more I'm beginning to disagree with the idea of "ruining" a classic. How does something new ruin what's already great? You can ruin the new movie, yes; but I don't think a sequel can be bad enough to literally tarnish its predecessor...Unless you're Pirates of the Caribbian 3. That one did a good job of mucking the whole thing up.

Without movies like this, actors and directors would have nowhere to start. Since it's going straight to DVD and not trying to fool the unsuspecting box office masses, I give The Lost Boys: The Tribe permission to be as delightfully terrible as humanly possible.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make myself a garlic T-shirt. I bid you good day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Movie of da week: Be Kind Rewind

Given the theater and DVD lineup this week, I almost recommended you do something crazy like go outside or read a book instead.

Then I stumbled upon Be Kind Rewind.

It stars Jack Black and Mos Def and is about two guys who decide to start making their own versions of movies and renting them out to the general public.

My high school chums and I used to do this with reading assignments and turn them in for credit, so a movie about creating no-budget, pipe-cleaner-and-duct-tape films seems like an enjoyable watch.

Not your thing? There's always The Love Guru. But you don't hat yourself...Do you?

15 movies so bad they're good: Part two

Continuing our ongoing journey into the acceptably terrible, this week we have a look at another five movies so bad they're actually entertaining.

If you missed out on part one, be sure to check it out right over hee-ya. Once you're all caught up, continue reading these latest offerings:

Vanilla Sky: (Dodges things being thrown at me.) I figured I better get this one out of the way first. I'm sorry. I know Tom bat-shit-insane Cruise is in this, I know the story is a bit overdone and...You know what? I don't have to defend myself. The whole point is we know these movies are terrible. Now I'll just go a step further and admit I like this bad, bad movie.

Waterworld: Screwyouthisisawesome! I mean, it's about a post-apocalyptic Earth where the ocean is never-ending and Kevin Costner plays a merman with a wicked chip on his shoulder. There's also pirates. What's not to like?

Rocky Horror Picture Show: I'm most amazed by how well this (let's face it) terrible movie is loved considering when it came out. Transsexuals, transvestites, homosexuals and more! And this came out in the 70s? We're barely cool with talking about this stuff in the new century. I consider this fact a testament to RHPS' undeniable awesomeness.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: One of the most obscure films to make the list, do yourself a favor and go rent this horror gem. Horror movies are frequently so bad they're good, but this one's a true klassic.

Big Trouble in Little China: I almost didn't put this one on the list. Depending on the day, I would argue it's a good, good movie and not a good, bad movie. Then again, the cheesy dialogue, cheesy acting, cheesily stereotypical characters and cheesy just about everything else are tell-tale of what would usually make for a bad flick. Thankfully, Big Trouble is off the charts in the "kickass" department, so we'll just call it even.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

You Don't Mess with the Zohan review

Again with the bet hedging; You Don't Mess with the Zohan is neither as good as it could have been nor as bad as you'd expect it to be.

First the bad: The movie is about half an hour too long. Thanks to jokes that never seem to end, Zohan loses a lot of comedic luster all because Sandler and the gang didn't know when to leave well enough alone. There are some belly laughs here, but quite a bit of the funny stuff gets lost in the ten minute hair-sex-styling montages.

Now the good: Adam Sandler, for one. His Zohan is sincere and well acted...Well, for what it is, anyway. Also, Zohan sported quite a few surprisingly valid statements concerning the years of upheaval between Israel and Palestine. Unfortunately, the movie just wasn't smart enough to warrant such sobering moments.

For fans of Sandler, you can't really go wrong here. Think old-school jokes with a slightly more sophisticated edge. If you've never been a Happy Madison fan, though, this will not change your mind.

As for me, I laughed quite a bit, and that's all that matters.

Monday mini-movies: That's a foul edition

The Jeff got me into soccer this past year (Liverpool ftw) and I was surprised, after years of hearing about soccer hooliganism, that I didn't get to see a single fight break out on the field.

Well, the interwebs have provided me with a chance to correct this great injustice. A couple moments in the above video are kind of meh, but there are plenty "holy $#*!" occurrences to make the viewing worth it. Seriously, some of this stuff is unbelievable.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Movie of da week: The Incredible Hulk

I refuse to believe The Incredible Hulk will somehow be worse than the original movie.

The presence of Edward Norton alone gives me hope for at least a half-watchable comic book flick.

While I really want M. Night Shamalamalanalan's The Happening (also opening this week) to be a return to form for this faltering director, I can't blindly tell folk to go watch this latest thriller after witnessing the blunder of his most recent ventures.

This weekend, go see Hulk blow shit up. I almost guarantee you might quite like it, some, a little bit, maybe, I hope.

Yay evolution: Weezer- The Red Album review

When I first heard Weezer's debut single off The Red Album, "Pork and Beans," I experienced some icy-hot emotions.

At first I was happy because the track is both fun and catchy, as the lyrics imply. I was upset, though, because the song sounded almost too much like Weezer. I loves me some Weezer, but I guess I had built up some hope that the boys would try something a little different this time around.

When I picked up Red last week I was delightfully surprised. "Pork and Beans" is literally the most standard fare available on the album. While not as commercial as Make Believe or as emotional as Pinkerton, Red manages to give listeners a dose of all things Weezer including some very new sounds.

While songs like "The Angel and The One" could comfortably settle on the before mentioned Pinkerton and "Everybody Get Dangerous" would sound appropriate on Make Believe, tracks like the epic "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" and Petty-esque "Thought I knew" are wholly different creations.

While not necessarily reinventing their wheel, Weezer has proven their willingness to at least experiment with rims and snow chains. (Holy crap that was a stretch.)

If you have the option, definitely pick up the deluxe edition. The additional four songs would not have fit in the lineup too well, hence their omission, but they are some seriously great tunes.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What I didn't like about Grand Theft Auto IV

First of all, don't let the title fool you. I quite enjoyed my fifty hours spent in Liberty City and expect the online component to steal (get it!?) even more of my time.

What bothers me, though, is the way this game was reviewed. Whenever there's a lull in gaming a title eventually comes along that's good enough to get everyone's attention again. Unfortunately, when this happen, the critics go batshit insane and forget to actually review the title.

Instead we get countless textwalls full of ridiculous hyperbole that, while pretty on paper, doesn't really tell us much about the game you are reviewing. It's like you're giving it a perfect score based on the game's namesake alone.

So, rather than tell you GTA IV is the greatest creation ever built by man-hands, I thought I'd spill the beans on a couple gripes I actually had with the title. If you want to hear all the good stuff, look elsewhere. Here are the things most reviewers are too blinded by the glory of GTA to tell you. And don't worry, there are no story spoilers here.

Maintaining friends sucks: While I appreciate occasionally getting phone calls from folks wanting to play darts or go on a date, I don't like feeling pressured to do these things. I get enough of that in real life. The option to visit with friends makes Liberty City feel that much more realistic. But when I spend thirty minutes completing a mission only to get three phone calls in the five minutes following from people wanting to hang out, that's where I draw the line. What's worse, you're actually penalized for not keeping up with the 20-plus familiars stored in your cell phone's address book.

Controls often fail: You stand in front of a ladder and press triangle to climb it while running from the cops. Nothing happens. You get shot. You press triangle again. Nothing happens. You get shot some more. Triangle again. Niko thinks about climbing, get's confused, gets shot, then dies. This is just one example of how frustrating the controls can be. Half the time everything does exactly what I want it to do. The other half, I'm trying to get on a bike and Niko begins running in circles instead. I don't get it.

Questionable combat: While I appreciate the cover system and enhanced aiming, I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be in the midst of a big firefight and, just because I applied a tenth of a pound too much pressure to the aim button, my sight jumps from the intended target to some random dude walking on the other side of the street. This usually results in a barrel full of bullets for Niko's face. No es bueno.

Helicopters and motorcycles are a death wish: Maybe this one is just me, but no way should these two vehicles be so touchy to control. Gaining any speed on a bike is the equivalent of shooting yourself in the head while trying to actually land a helicopter with any precision is the equivalent of jumping ass-first into spinning propellers. I don't even bother anymore. Avoid the bikes and ditch the copter near land while you're flying over water.

Missions lack in any real variety: There are a few gems sprinkled throughout, but the vast majority of your time spent in L.C. will be "Hey, crazy foreigner. Go to this place and kill this guy for money." Repeat.

Money is useless: After a point, anyway. Make me buy special cars and additional safe houses for crying out loud. Give me at least some reason to bother collecting the greenbacks. After ten hours you've got more money stored up from completing missions than you will ever need for ammo and hotdogs.

Checkpoints: My biggest gripe of all is the lack of better checkpoints in longer missions. I've mastered driving across three islands, shooting my way through a warehouse and navigating a speedboat through some choppy water. Why should I have to waste another thirty minutes doing this yet again just because a sudden incline in difficulty caused a small misstep and mission failure?

So there you have it. Like I said, I really enjoyed GTA IV and will most likely spend plenty of time just tooling around completing random tasks still available after the storyline. But when 101 reviews claim perfection without giving gamers so much as a hint as to some seriously blatent problems, I figured it was time to give bad credit where bad credit was due.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Monday mini-movies: Wrestling is fake?

I pray a certain member of my family never gets to watch this video. He may very well cry.

For those who still believe the argument of wrestling's legitimacy is open for debate, I bring you horrible proof to settle this once and for all.

I feel like the first nine years of my life were nothing but a lie. Et tu, Ultimate Warrior?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Games to get in June

Well, June is finally upon us and my sights are firmly set on exactly one title- Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. I'm a huge fan of the series and can't wait to see Snake's story come full circle.

There's some other decent-looking games thrown in for good measure, but I doubt I'll have time to play any of them once MGS4 drops next week.

(Note: I've stopped including scheduled PSN, Wii Ware and XBLA games in the list since, quite frequently, those titles don't actually come out on their scheduled dates.)

12th- Metal Gear Solid 4 (PS3)
17th- Space Invaders Extreme (PSP, DS)
22nd- Guitar Hero: On Tour (DS)
22nd- Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2: Grimoire of the Rift
23rd- Battlefield: Bad Company (360, PS3)
23rd- Command and Conquer 3: Kane's Wrath (360)
24th- Alone in the Dark (Wii, PS3, 360)

I played the demo for Space Invaders Extreme and, for $20, I think it'll make a great summer distraction. Not sure if I think Guitar Hero on the DS is awesome, or somehow more lame than playing a half-sized plastic guitar for the console versions. (Note: Yes, I just called myself lame. But you know better than to believe it.) Last on the handheld front is the new FF Tactics title and, considering the fact I sunk well over 100 hours into the first one, I definitely want to get my hands on the new iteration at some point.

Battlefield looks like a hell of a good FPS and Command and Conquer should tide the 360 crowd over until Halo Wars hits. RTS' done well on consoles? Ca-razy.

I'm hopeful for Alone in the Dark since the last decent horror title I played was Silent Hill for the PSP. I need the crap scared out of me in a big way. I'll try not to get my hopes up, but hopefully this new expedition into darkness was well worth the wait.

And, finally, MGS4. I don't think I really need to say much here. This series is comprised of some of the greatest games ever made and, if initial reviews are to be trusted, this conclusion is said to be the best of the lot. I can't wait.

Movies to miss in June

Not a heck of a lot going on in the crappy movie department of local theaters this month. I'm sure there are some bad ones, but only one earns my public blog-bashing. (Or blashing, as I like to call it.)

On the DVD front, however, there are a whole slew of sucky films. I've already blashed several of these when they were in theaters, so I'll keep the comments short.

Now enjoy this list of movies you won'

The Love Guru: While I remain convinced You Don't Mess with the Zohan is going to be at least half-decent, I can't help but feel The Love Guru is going to be less than a tenth decent.

Semi-Pro: Much like the stars of Love Guru and Zohan, Will Ferrell has once again committed the crime of blatently imitating the same character for the dozenth time. I love Ferrell, but the same schtick is getting a bit old.

Meet the Spartans: I'm so angry this exists I won't even comment.

The Eye: "Hold on a sec. I have something in my-" "Ah! It's a ghost!"

Jumper: See this movie and you might just want to. Oh, snap!

Witless Protection:
Larry the Cable Guy is officially the go-to for horribly conceived, terrible movies. Sorry Martin Lawrence, but your crown has been challenged.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins: Hold the phone, folks! It looks like the champ has some fight left in him after all.

10,000 B.C.: I plan on renting this one when I'm having a bad day. I expect the unintended laughs, and lots of them, will cast sunshine over the dreariest of storms.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Movie of da week: Kung-fu Panda

Another week, another movie recommendation.

I would tell you to go rent Control but, let's face it, you're not going to. For shame.

Fine. I'll throw something other than a dark and engrossing biography your way. How's about Kung-fu Panda? Stay with me here. It has a great voice cast and the animation...well...I'm not actually too big a fan of the animation.

Either way, I'm willing to wager little of the good parts have been spoiled by the trailers. That's more of a personal hope, really, since the trailers aren't all that good.

Wow. I think I've probably done absolutely nothing to convince you to go see this movie.

Go see it anyway.

15 movies so bad they're good: Part one

Everybody hates a bad movie. Thing is; some movies are so bad they somehow manage to be good.

While many of these will only make you groan with annoyance, I'm willing to bet several will tug at the ole nostalgia strings just enough to remind you of how delightfully terrible they are. The emphasis here is on the "delightful."

Without further ado, I give you the first five of fifteen picks for my favorite "good" bad movies.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Most of you young-uns only know about the WB teen drama bearing the same name, but children of the 80s should be able to easily recall when Peewee was a vampire biker, Luke Perry was cool and Buffy herself was more badass than emo.

Face/Off: I'm sure I upset a few of you with this one. I can't help it, though. I love this movie. I love this horrible, horrible movie. "I want to take his"

Snakes on a Plane:
One of the few flicks that actually tried to be a good bad movie and managed to succeed on all levels. Samuel L. M-er F-ing Jackson, snakes, planes, and a script nearly as bad as the acting. Yes please.

XXX: Probably the most likely to warrant argument from the masses, I proudly proclaim XXX a well enjoyed guilty pleasure of mine.

Armageddon: With such a well known cast, it's hard to believe Armageddon could suck. But suck it did. And you better believe it was worth every second just to MST3K that beyatch.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Monday mini-movie: Crashtacular edition

For the record, I don't get watching most professional racing events. Much like bowling, golf and poker (I mean, poker, really?), I don't get WATCHING other people take part in these activities.

I do, however, enjoy me some good crashes. So, rather than watching a year's worth of races hoping to see some entertaining bumper over bumper, holy $#!+ we're out of control, how did that even happen, action I went out and found a video compiling many of those fantastic instances in time.

Prepare to cringe.