Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday mini-movie: Porkchop Sandwhiches edition

While attending a friend's Rock Band 2-a-thon, I was introduced to this little gem of a video and spent the next half hour laughing my butt off.

Remember the old cartoon version of G.I. Joe? Remember the PSAs at the end of each episode? Well, some brilliant bastard dubbed over them. Most don't make sense, but most are pretty dang hilarious, so it evens out.

Head on over to and search for "G.I. Joe PSA" to get in on all the fun.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Movie of the week: The Fall

If a picture is worth a thousand words, I'm betting a two minute moving picture is worth, like, at least a billion-kazillion words.

Completely unimpressed with this week's silver screen and purchasable offerings, I decided to recommend a Movie of the Week that I accidentally overlooked last week: The Fall.

Rather than try to tell you about it, just check out the trailer and let the magic of this film do all the talking for me.

Looks great, right? Then go rent/buy it and enjoy.

Holy $#!T, it's Mega Man 9

First off, can we get a hand for that epically terrible box art for the Nintendo classic Mega Man I over there?

There's just far too much wrong with that picture to go over here. Look for it's triumphant return in a future post it has inspired: Worst videogame box art ever.

Now, on to the topic at hand: Mega Man M-er Ef-ing Nine!

I don't know about you guys, but I can easily recall blowing far too many of my childhood hours into Mega Mans one through eight in an effort to put an end to Dr. Wily and his, um, wily antics. Now, thanks to the fine folks at Capcom, I can do the exact same thing with my adult hours as well. Fantastic!

Seriously though, whoever came up with the idea of continuing this series with a return to its 8-bit visuals and *bling-bop-boowip* sound deserves a kiss on the mouth.

Not only is the younger generation of gamers getting a taste of the good old days, but old school players are weeping glorious tears of remembrance for simpler times when HD graphics and 60fps meant nothing (partially because nobody whould have known what any of that meant) compared to the simple joys of ridiculously hard levels and a little thing called "creativity."

Anyway, Mega Man 9 is available for the Wii, 360 and PS3, and it's only ten bucks. I highly recommend you support this project and fully embrace the Blue Bomber goodness.

Laugh while watching: Burn After Reading review

Wow. After last year's dramatic, dark and gritty Coen treat No Country for Old Men, Burn After Reading is certainly a change of pace for the legendary brotherly directing duo.

More akin to Raising Arizona, Burn follows several interconnecting plots wherein folks are cheating on everyone with everyone and a couple-a numskulls discover a memoir from a former CIA agent they mistake for "extremely sensitive shit" they might be able to get a reward for returning (read: blackmail).

The plot gets a bit confusing, but that's actually kind of the point. Everybody is convinced of how cool and in control they are only to find out they are anything but. In the end, nobody knows what the hell is going on.

While I laughed my ass off while watching the film and will certainly add it to my DVD collection, the best way I could describe Burn After Reading is "forgettable."

There's terrific performances, amazing dialogue and plenty to enjoy, but in the end you'll leave the theater with one thing on your mind: "Um...Okay. What's for dinner?"

While Burn proves a worthy addition to the Coen library, it is also one of their most unnecessary additions.

Fun and darkly hilarious, but that's about it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Heroes: Season Three begins

Consider this your friendly reminder to tune in for the two-hour season premiere of Heroes tonight on Fox. Check your local listings, yadda-yadda-yadda.

I was a fan of season one, but season two lacked focus and clarity. Add to that a shortened run thanks to the writer's strike and a garbled ending and you had a pretty poop follow-up to a rather entertaining new show.

So, don't go in with hopes set too high, boys and girls, and we should be in for a fun ride.

Here's hoping the crew still has access to some of that magic that made Heroes so compelling and enjoyable in the first place.

Monday mini-movie: Slap edition

Holy crap, did you just see that?! This video answers the age old question of "what did the five fingers say to the face."

As best as I can translate the situation, the host of some Indian dating show told a contestant his face looked perfect for wrecking. The contestant, possibly drunk, told her "Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?"

When the host opted to SHOW rather than TELL, the contestant made the crucial mistake of returning the favor. Shortly after, the whole of India came to the host's rescue and put a royal beatdown on the guy.

See, fellas, you should never hit a girl...Otherwise an entire country will kick the crap out of you on public television.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Movie of the week- Lakeview Terrace

Sadly, I don't have much time to commit to this post. I'm about to head into the wilderness to become one (biblically) with nature.

If I get eated by bears, I apologize in advance for a lack of future posts.

Looking over this week's DVDs and silver screen offerings, I don't really want to recommend anything. Then again, the thought of seeing Samuel L. Mother-effing-Jackson play a psychotic cop/next door neighbor is pretty enticing.

I think SLMFJ is going to be great, but I think the movie will most likely be a downer.

Anyway, rather than risk it, you could always do a little light reading instead to prepare for the upcoming short stories post.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Back to basics: Metallica- Death Magnetic review

Like most folks who give And Justice for All or even the Black album a spin every now and then, I’ve spent the past six years trying to forget the abysmal St. Anger released by Metallica in 2002.

The album was almost bad enough to warrant adopting a puppy, naming it Metallica, and then abandoning it somewhere in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue.

So, yeah, I kind of hated St. Anger…A lot.

That being said, I was nearly unwilling to give Metallica even a passing glance once Death Magnetic, the first proper album since St. Anger, was announced.

Perhaps goaded by early reviews, perhaps wanting to believe Metallica could be good again, I eventually caved and plopped down my ten bucks to pick up their latest effort.

I’m glad I did.

I like to envision everyone in Metallica arguing through a band meeting, at which point one of the guys stands up, throws a chair across the room and says, “For the life of me, I can’t understand why I even started playing music in the first place…Can you guys?” Everyone gives this a little thought, realization dawns brightly on each of their faces and a collective “Ooooh yeeeah,” fills the room. Thus, Death Magnetic is born.

Put simply, Death Magnetic is a great addition to the Metallica library and one of the better old school rock albums I’ve heard in a while.

Reminiscent of the good old days with enough new stuff thrown in to keep it from sounding like that was what the band was desperately going for, Metallica has once again made a believer out of me.

The sound is strong and often moving--even if the production is a bit uneven--and the subject matter is dark, desperate, personal and ultimately uplifting. On offer are ten massive tracks exceeding the five minute mark and even a ten minute instrumental break come track nine. The hooks are memorable and will have you singing out loud, the solos are blistering and-- damnitall--it’s just a nice breath of fresh air after more than 15 years of WTF out of the group.

Don’t go in expecting the raw, overly heavy sound of Kill Em All or the brain numbing madness of St. Anger. Metallica is at neither their best nor their worst here, but the quality is high enough to be well worth your attention.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Monday mini-movies: Cat vs Printer edition

Don't try watching this one without sound. You'll be missing the entire joke.

Watch it with sound, however, and you should be drunk with happy in a matter of one minute and seven seconds.

[Edit: The friend who showed me this video just informed me he originally saw it on and, due to blogging etiquette, I should probably mention that...I'm not going to, though.]

Friday, September 12, 2008

Short stories a-comin

As a special feature to, there will be a posting of several short stories in a couple weeks.

Some irl friends (damn, I'm hip) held a writing contest (Less of a contest and more of a hijacking of creativity...Yes, there was violence involved) wherein folks were sent a picture and told (at metephorical knifepoint) to write a short story about what was going on in the picture.

Honestly, it was a very unique, very awesome idea that, we hope, will produce some pretty cool stories.

Assuming I don't screw this all up somehow, the opneing paragraph and picture for each story will be posted with a link leading to the full story; each expected to be between five and twenty-five pages in length.

Usually I would recommend you turn on a movie or pop in a video game, but reading can be fun too. Get ready to enjoy!

Check it out: Fringe

I don't do many T.V. posts on because most T.V. is poop. (This statement does not include the likes of Weeds. We love Weeds. We love Weeds so, so much.)

However, being a huge X-Phile, I decided to throw hazard to the wind and give Fringe, often compared to the nine-season juggernaut, a chance. I'm one of the sad few who has yet to get Lost, so jumping in from the beginning of a new series sounded like a winning idea. Especially when the new series comes from J.J. Abrams.

I wanted Fringe to be terrible. If it were terrible, that would mean I don't have to dedicate an hour of my time to being planted square in front of the T.V., no matter what, period, every Tuesday night in order to catch the latest episode.

Unfortunately (fortunately, for most folks), Fringe was pretty dang entertaining. The pilot's story was strong, the acting was great and the script is more or less flawless.

My only complaint is, even at an hour and forty minutes, the introduction felt a little rushed. As the week's pass I'm sure I won't care, but don't expect to get eased into the world with this one. You're given a set-up, then a whooole bunch of stuff gets thrown at you as the show hits the ground running. It's easy to follow and easy to believe (as easy to believe as metal arms, teleportation and time travel can be to believe), though, so there's no fear of becoming lost. (You see what I did there?)

Anyway, damnitalltohell, I plan on sticking with Fringe for a while. So long as the show stays on par with the pilot episode, viewers should be in for a great ride.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Movie of the week: Burn After Reading

A bit of a tough decision for this week's movie pick. First we have Pacino and De Niro in their second movie working together and, hopefully, it'll be every bit as BA as Heat.

However, despite the dynamic duo's latest offering of Righteous Kill, my recommendation for this week is going instead to Burn After Reading.

Not only is it written and directed by the Coen brothers, but Burn After Reading also features a cast starring George Clooney, Frances McDermand, Bradd Pitt, Tilda Swinton and John Freaking Malkovich. *head explodes*

After last year's gritty, dramatic and powerful No Country for Old Men, I'm ready for a return to black comedy from two of the genre's best contributors.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Games to get in September

There's a long list this month, but thankfully not too many that really make me want to run out and spend half-a-hunnerd dollars of my own money. As for you guys, spend away!

15th- Dragon Quest IV (DS)
16th- Line Riders 2 (DS)
16th- Pure (PS3, 360)
16th- Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (Every system out there)
16th- Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility (Wii)
22nd- De Blob (Wii)
23rd- Disgaea DS (DS)
23rd- Lego Batman (Every system ever made)
30th- Legendary (PS3, 360)
30th- Silent Hills: Homecoming (PS3, 360)

DS owners should be happy with such a large selection this month. Everyone else, if nothing in this list of top picks catches your fancy, just wait until October and November. My wallet has run off and won't return my phone calls. Pretty sure it's trying to protect me from myself.

So, I played the demo for Disney's Pure (ATV stunt racer) and, damn, I was impressed. Had no idea the company had it in them. Fast, fun and gorgeous.

As for the rest, given how many decent looking titles there are, I wish I could just get back into the habit of renting again.

Too. Many. Good. Games.

Movies to miss in September

I'm running a little late on the monthly movie and game updates; but better late than never, right?

Unless you actually rely on these posts to make better-informed decisions and, due to the tardiness, accidentally went out and saw Bangkok Dangerous last weekend. THEN you have a right to complain.

So, yeah, here's the list of movies to stay the hell away from in September.

Bangkok Dangerous: Nick Cage confuses me. He makes some pretty decent movies, then he seems to go out of his way to make some pretty terrible ones. It has to take an actual, self-hating effort to get involved with something like this.

Tyler Perry's The Family that Preys: Continuing my completely unfounded quest to hate all things with the name Tyler Perry attached to it, consider this one on September's red list. Next time, leave your name off the project you arrogant jerk. (Note: T.P. may not actually be an arrogant jerk. However, I just realized his initials are T.P., and that's gotta count for something.)

Eagle Eye: Call me crazy, but I'm fairly certain a movie where a completely unbelievable string of events are connected by an all-seeing, all knowing voice on a cell phone telling two people to run here, drive there, shoot that, is likely gonna suck.

Bait Shop: This one's on DVD, so I guess I can't be too mad. It's not like the guys behind this fishing epic are disillusioned into thinking the movie was fit for the big screen or anything.

Made of Honor: Boooooo!...That will be all.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Monday mini-movie: Dizzy squirrel edition

Try not to laugh while watching this. I dare you. Now try not to show everyone you know how awesome this video is.

While looking for a video involving squirrels and misfortune (don't ask), I came across this little gem. My guess is that this fury fellow is, in fact, either a frat boy in disguise or terribly afraid of grass and therefore unwilling to let go.

Either way, it's hilarious.

Friday, September 5, 2008

UFC 88: Breakthrough

Crap. We're back to cheesy-ass titles instead of just calling the numbered event by the last names of the two guys in the main bout.

Next up, UFC 89: Booya.

Anyway, due to some friendly wagering going on, I can't post my predictions for this month's card. Don't want to ruin my chances of winning a buffalo nickel and a warm embrace. Consider this simply your friendly reminder to tune in Saturday and enjoy the show.

For those who are curious, here's the full card:
Chuck Liddell vs. Rashad Evans
Rich Franklin vs. Matt Hamill
Karo Parisyan vs. Yoshiyuki Yoshida
Dan Henderson vs. Rousimar Palhares
Martin Kampmann vs. Nate Marquardt
Thiago Tavares vs. Kurt Pellegrino
Tim Boetsch vs. Michael Patt
Dong Hyun Kim vs. Matt Brown
Jason Lambert vs. Jason MacDonald
Roan Carneiro vs. Ryo Chonan

Movie of the week: Transformers blu-ray

There's literally nothing worth recommending this week. That presents me with a bit of a conundrum.

Instead of something new, how's about something old?

This week's recommendation is the newly released Transformers on blu-ray. Let's all celebrate the end of the HD war (months late, mind you) by watching one of the noteworthy casualties of that drawn out, ridiculous, holy-crap-I'm-glad-it's-over struggle.

Bay always said blu was the way to go and, as of this week, his wish is granted.

Enjoy all that transforms in glorious HD once more.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Reviewage: In Bruges, Tropic Thunder, Be Kind Rewind, Hamlet 2

Given the time it has taken me to get back on a regular bloggin' schedule, it's only natural I'd have a few movie reviews in tow. Lucky for me, they were all quality flicks. If you missed these, git ta watchin.

Go Rent
Be Kind Rewind:
Take a more refined version of the typical Jack Black humor, throw in a dash of the evolving talents of Mos Def and add a heaping helping of off-kilter hilarity and a love for music, skewed history and the good old days of VHS and you have a great buddy comedy that's sure to spawn countless independent Sweding projects wherein jackasses record themselves acting out scenes from all their favorite movies. Be sure to check out the bonus features on this disc, too. Though I can't understand why they didn't include the Black/Def Sweded films, what's on offer is another hour of quality entertainment and behind-the-scenes features.

In Bruges:
While you might need subtitles turned on to understand some of those bloody accents, In Bruges is a vulgar, refreshing take on the classic Euro-gang genre. No interconnected plots or gang wars in this one. No. Instead, Colin Ferrell and Brendan Gleeson play a couple assassins who, after a botched assignment, end up laying low in the podunk city of Bruges. Ferrell can't stay out of trouble, Gleeson can't keep Ferrell under control and a steadily building plot eventually builds to lots of swearing and shootouts through the sleepy streets of Bruges. Consider this one of the best black comedies in quite some time.

Go see
Tropic Thunder:
Tropic Thunder is hilarious. You don't really need to know anything beyond that. Black, Stiller, Downey, Jr. and their supporting cast all deliver knock-out performances with plenty of raunch, gut laughs and even a few moments genuinely worth pondering. Also, after an hour and a half of terrific comedy you get treated to some of the best war scenes caught on film. Explosive fun. Feel free to add that to your DVD box Goldcrest Pictures.

Hamlet 2:
While the story isn't exactly the most complete piece of work, the laughs are big in this parody of life, high school musicals and the close-minded masses who picket without knowing anything about what they are rebelling against. Maybe it's because I know a few too many drama folk, but Steve Coogan's portrayal of a failed-actor-turned-drama-teacher kept me grinning throughout. Also, any film featuring the lines "raped in the face" and "rock me, sexy Jesus" more or less has to be watched, right?