Movies to miss in July

I always thought of myself as a romantic at heart, so I’m not sure why I hate on all these generic romantic comedies so hard. Oh, wait. Maybe it’s because they’re generic romantic comedies.

If you gots to go to the theater this July, do your best to avoid the following.

I Love You Beth Cooper- If there’s one thing I hate worse than the average generic romantic comedy, it’s one that is complete and utter BS. Maybe that’s what people find so appealing about these movies wherein the characters take chances and break stereotypes; they’re a nice thought even though it would never happen that way.

Name me one stuck-up high school cheerleader who, after being publicly humiliated by the class nerd on graduation night, would treat him to an evening of adventure, mayhem and sexual tension, and I’ll actually go see this movie. I would much rather see a movie wherein the nerd makes his confession and is then treated to a night of physical abuse by all the class jocks and a lifetime of embarrassment. I hate that’s how the world works, but I’m nothing if not grimly realistic.

Orphan- Look out everyone, it’s Damianette. We get it, kids can be really, really scary. Especially when they wear a strikingly bright outfit and give you a vacant stare. Thank you, The Ring, for rekindling everyone’s fear in creepy little children. Problem is, it’s not really scary anymore.

This one looks like a mix between The Omen, The Good Son and maybe a little Silent Hill thrown in. With so much creativity going for it, it’s sure to be a winner. (/sarcasm)

The Ugly Truth- What happens when a strong, independent female television executive is paired with a male pig of a star who promises his expertise on men, women and relationships can net her the man of her dreams despite her blatantly obvious hatred of the guy? I sure hope they don’t end up together. That would be just too crazy.

Aliens in the Attic- You know how you look at a valleygirl in the mall with a purse slung over her shoulder with a shaking, yappy little dog poking its head out as if it were some newfangled sort of wallet or something? That’s how I feel about this movie: insta-hate for no real reason.