Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Movies to miss in November

I would give November a break for having so few terrible movies slated for release, but the two it does have are pretty big hitters in the “lame” department and more than worthy of my premature harsh judgment.

2012- If they would actually market this film as “the biggest disaster the world would ever know,” I might let is slide. I’d laugh heartily, then let it slide. As is, the 2012 team is taking its disaster-porn offering way too seriously. I don’t doubt this will be some pretty cool eye candy. For viewers with half a brain, though, I’m willing to bet all the shiny images will pale in comparison to just how far your suspension of disbelief is expected to stretch.

New Moon- Please, Twilight, just die already. Take your screaming, ridiculous 13-30 ladies and just go. I wish I had a database of all the folks going crazy over this film. That way, the next time I hear something like, “You’re such a nerd! You went to a midnight release for one of those videogames” or “I can’t believe you’re going to the theater three hours early for that geeky sci-fi movie,” I can click a few keys and respond with “Says the person who bought their New Moon tickets for opening day a month in advance, re-read all the horribly-written novels to ‘get fired up for it’ and then showed up to the theater a day early with sparkle makeup all over their damn body.”


Anonymous said...

2012- I'm going to guess best practical joke. There's no way the world is going to end if people are actually expecting it to.

New Moon- *makes mouth smacking noise* Taste that? Tastes like bitter! Dang dear, you so need to chill... and enjoy the sparkles and fur-splosions!

Your bitter response did make me giggle though.


Anonymous said...

In Pschology Today, Dec '09, they analyzed the Vampire Girl-Media boom with some pretty insightfully hillarious thoughts.

Basically, vampires are usually worldly, withdrawn, wealthy hot males who aggressively pursue plain-Janes. The appeal here is obvious.
The other analysis was how vampire characters are at odds with themselves, and are broken images of males who are prone to violence, striving to express emotions, and just want some lady to be all cuddly-bunny to them so they can settle down.

The article was written more clinically than I've summarized, but I summarized it in a way to express my opinion:
Girls are shallow suckers for the bad boy imagery, and will form angry mobs if they hear what you've said about their Twilight Gods!

-Ryan Winslett said...

Heh! We were also talking about the Moms for Twilight group recently. Seriously though, if a bunch of 30-something dudes were to get together and form fanclubs for an underage female character, we'd have to shut the country down. I think it's interesting that, so long as it's women lusting after the chiseled young buck, it's totally cool.

Jess said...

Can I get an Amen!
It makes me sad that instead of turning to actual witty love stories (any julia roberts movie need not apply-except Flatliners), girls turn to this drivel as a way of finishing a heavy book and having their fantasies fulfilled.