Movies to miss in March

I'm clearly not the target demographic for most of this month's un-recommendations, but that doesn't mean I can't spot a crappy piece of cinema from a mile away. Here's the rundown of what not to see in March.

Beastly
I usually try to avoid looking at reviews before I blindly bash these films, as it kind of takes all the fun out of predicting whether or not they'll be terrible, but I couldn't help it with Beastly. According to the consensus, while love is never ugly, movies certainly can be. My favorite comment pretty much verifies what I feared this film would be: "starring 20-year-olds playing 17-year-olds penned as 12-year-olds." Lovely! And for you 13-year-old Twi-Tweens out there, you get two movies aimed at cashing in on your adolescent emotions in one month! I give you...

Red Riding Hood
This one's actually directed by the guy who directed the first Twilight film. While taking more of a fantasy approach, Red Riding features an emotional yet strong young woman who is torn between two love interests, both hunky dudes and one who might be a murderous creature of the night. This is just shameless.

Take Me Home Tonight
You're better than this, Topher Grace. Or, at least I hope you are. Take Me Home Tonight is about 10 years late to the party. These movies were all the rage back at the turn of the century but, unless you have something new to offer (which TMHT doesn't appear to), I'm not sure why anyone would even bother.

Mars Needs Moms
Aside from just looking unfunny and uninteresting in every way, I think what scares me away from Mars Needs Moms the most involves the infamous uncanny valley. Most of the animations look cartoony, which is fine. But the animators clearly used some sophisticated face-tracking tech for their characters, making it look like an almost human face is talking in the middle of a silly character. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.