February is shaping up to be a real crapfest at the box office. I'm a fan of throwing tomatoes, so here's a look at a few films you should stay well away from in the coming weeks. Be sure to let me know if you make it out to any of these so I can ridicule you mercilessly.
Jumper- I never would have believed you could make Samueal L. M-er-F-ing Jackson look uncool. Turns out I was wrong. Despite the nifty special effects, this movie looks pretty terrible. At least in Formula 51 Jackson managed to pour on the right amount of cheese to make it feel like I was laughing with him rather than at him. In Jumper, not so much. I expect to be laughing through the film's entire runtime. Afterwards, I'll probably cry a little.
Witless Protection- Four words; Larry the Cable Guy. I think I've said enough.
Postal- Uwe Boll's latest epic (Al Qaeda and a bunch of half-cocked goons try to rob the same amusement park on the same day? Really?) hits the silver screen in limited release this February after several months of delay. If the fact that it's a Boll film, limited, based on wretched source material (if you can call it that) and, on top of that, somehow got delayed, doesn't make you shy away, absolutely nothing will. I'm going to go on record as saying Mr. Boll is one of the worst things to happen to movies in the history of, well, ever. With any luck, this one will fade away into nothingness and never even make it to DVD.
The Hottie and the Nottie- Another terrible idea that will hopefully never make it past its February limited release. Anyone who thinks Paris Hilton needs to be a starring role in a film is asking for a punch to the throat. Also, I'm supposed to believe Mrs. Heiress would ever hang out with the likes of this girl? I've officially lost all hope for the future of Hollywood.
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