Movies to miss in May

I look around and I see crap. Crap just waiting to steal your hard-earned money and bludgeon you about the senses with nearly two hours of mindless, emotionless, gutless material that, (a feat which still baffles me) some executive in some office somewhere not only green-lighted but was willing to spend their own studio's money on.

Fear not, faithful readers. I'm here to help warn you of the dangers of bad cinema. I'm sure some will slip through the cracks, but here's a list of definite do-not-sees for the month of May. A better alternative to spending any time with these stinkers would be to just send the money you would have spent on them to me...I won't fault or ridicule you for this route.

Made of Honor: Of the countless things I could razz this movie for, I'm going to narrow in on just one- the name. The premise of the film is a guy decides, after his lifelong friend returns from vacation, he's going to finally propose to her. When she returns, however, she's engaged to someone she met on her travels. Now all our tragic hero has to do is break up the happy couple and sweep his love interest off her feet. Made of Honor? I think not.

What Happens in Vegas- I wish to hell it would have stayed there. Nope. Instead, we get to watch Ashton Married-to-a-lady-twice-my-age Kutcher and Cameron Diaz ham it up in what is passing for a romantic comedy about one night stands and two annoying people who can't seem to tell the difference between love and greed. Without even seeing this one, I'm going to ruin it for you. They start to fall for each other, Ashton does something to ruin it, he does something else to woo Cameron once again, the two lose the money somehow, decide their love is worth more than that, decide to stay married, then discover they still get to keep the money. Love and riches are had by all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a screenplay to write. I'm sure someone'll buy it.

The Hottie and the Nottie- I warned you about this one two months ago when it was in theaters. That alone should give you some insight into the quality. If you need a refresher, it stars Paris Hilton...Yeah. I thought that would do the trick.

Over her dead body- Awwww. How sweet. A man's dead fiance tries to ruin his next relationship from beyond the grave. Next!

Untraceable- What starts off as a half-decent attempt at creating an original thriller -a guy kills his victims by how many people go to his web site- looks to unravel into yet another brain-dead Saw ripoff with even worse acting. Do your best to let Untraceable live up to its name...Well, kind of it's name. You see, if it's untraceable, you can't find it and then you don't have to...Oh nevermind.