Movies to miss in January

Hey Hollywood! I have a New Year’s resolution for you. A couple, actually.

Resolution 1- No more spoofs. You can’t even call this crap “spoofs” anymore. If I see one more movie thinly veiled as a parody of the most recent blockbuster wherein one-liner jokes knocking random flicks from the past year makes it to the big screen, I just might have to burn down the building. Not the building I’m in, of course. But SOME building. Epic Movie, Date Movie, Superhero Movie. Enough is enough.

Resolution 2- No more sequels, adaptations or (for the love of god) remakes. I’m starting to wish writers would go back on strike. Maybe that would allow room for someone to come in with an original idea every now and again.

I could probably go on, but those two are the ones consistently pissing me off on a monthly basis. Since none of that is going to happen anytime soon, on to the list of movies to miss in January.

Hotel for Dogs- A couple orphans turn a run-down hotel into an illegal dogtown? Far too much unsavory behavior for my liking. Think of the kids, for crying out loud.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop- I have nothing against Kevin James. The man can be pretty dang funny at times. This movie, though, looks like a sad attempt at Home Alone VI. I’m assuming all the best parts are in the trailer, and even those moments didn’t make me crack a smile. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to subject themselves to that sort of torture for 90 minutes.

Underworld: The Rise of the Lycans- I almost gave this movie a pass considering how B.A. the trailer looks. But then I remembered how bad the second Underworld was. If my grasp of the law of diminishing returns is accurate (probably not), I’m guessing this third outing is one we should just stay away from.

On DVD- While renting this holiday season, remember, friends don’t let friends rent the following: Disaster Movie, Babylon A.D., or Bangkok Dangerous.