Friday, September 3, 2010

Movies to miss in September

This is actually shaping up to be a pretty decent month for terrible movies.

With yet another sequel to the Resident Evil franchise, a second-rate-looking animated film and something with M. Night Shamamamamalamalan tied to the project, movie-goers everywhere have several piles of poop to carefully side-step in the weeks ahead.

Be sure to head after the break for my thoughtful, detailed analysis of each.

Resident Evil: Afterlife
Let’s get one thing straight: I actually quite liked the first Resident Evil movie. This isn’t especially surprising, since I can generally find something to love in just about everything I see, but even my titanium resistance to bad cinema has its limits.

The most recent two Resident movies have been god-awful and this third abomination (which might also be the name of one of the bad guys) looks to really take the cake.

I’m not even going to don my nerd cap and discuss the finer points of the video games it's based on, which have been glossed over or thrown out the window entirely. At this point, a couple character designs and a name are all the two series have in common. So that's not my gripe. It just looks so, so bad.

Seriously, watch the trailer and try not to groan like one of the film’s many brain-dead zombies. The ones in the movie, I mean, not the ones making it. (Oh, snap!)

Alpha and Omega
I’m usually a big fan of animated films and, no, I’m not a Pixar snob. If a colorful feature looks like fun, I’ll happily give it a gander.

However, not a single moment of what I’ve seen of Alpha and Omega has appeared remotely entertaining. When I’m watching your trailer and the right corner of my lips doesn’t curl up so much as a fraction of an inch, there’s a problem.

Maybe I’m wrong, but this one appears to have little wit and absolutely no charm.

If only one name in Hollywood is poison right now, it’s “M. Night. Shyamalan.” This guys barely has anything to do with the movie Devil, yet once his name appears in the trailer, moviegoers everywhere are reacting with moans, groans and laughter. Check the youtubes. I'm for real.

Believe it or not, his involvement has absolutely nothing to do with my desire to see this movie burn in hell. (See what I did there?)

It just looks terrible. And, you know what, without ever seeing it, I’m going to ruin the ending for you: The younger chick did it.

She has some snarky line about not “looking dangerous” at the beginning of the trailer, she’s the first one to get attacked and it’s her panicking that’s making the other folks get all paranoid.

I pray it isn’t as simple as that but, yeah, I’m probably right.


Anonymous said...

HAHA. It's really too bad you're assumption about the outcome of this movie is DEAD WRONG. Although i am entertained by your cocky, arrogant attitude and opinions. Go see these movies before you make judgments like you are an actual movie critic. I would assume that is common sense.

Anonymous said...
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-Ryan Winslett said...

The whole point of the article is to tell you about movies I think you should skip in the coming weeks. Of course it's based on assumption and of course I'm being cocky in said assumptions. Again, that't the point. A 45% from "actual movie critics" on rottentomatoes, though, leads me to believe I made a good call on that one.