Wednesday, July 2, 2008

UFC 86: Echo calls it

Continuing's tradition of absolutely unscientific, unproven, somewhat questionable methods of calling fights, this UFC (86, we'll call it) will be decided by each man's facial hair.

For the record, we'll be using the face rugs on display at UFC's official site for the purposes of these predictions. If, by some cruel twist of fate or an unfortunate shaving accident, the fighters look different come Saturday night's fight time, there is no guarantee these predictions will be entirely accurate.

Otherwise, I'm fully confident what follows will be sickeningly perfect.

Corey Hill Vs. Justin Buchholz
I'm not sure if that's a shadow under Buchholz's chin or a sorry excuse for man-hair. While Hill barely has more to offer, his clean cut approach is enough to earn him my pick for winner by reverse ankle bite.

Melvin Guillard Vs. Dennis Siver
What's that Siver? You can't grow a cheek warmer? Guillard has at least put up a decidedly weak effort to prove his manhood. Guillard breaks Siver's arm and spirit in round two. Unfortunately, there's no cure for a broken spirit.

Jorge Gurgel Vs. Cole Miller
Turns out Miller recently graduated from middle school. Check out that baby face. Curgel is going to rip Miller in half within the first twenty seconds of the fight. Gurgel's five'o'clock shadowis truly a force to be reckoned with.

Gabriel Gonzaga Vs. Justin McCully
Talk about a close call. Finally, two men willing to prove their worth. Seeing as how Gonzaga and McCully both know how to grow some flavor savors, this one's going to the hair on top of each combatants' head. Sorry McCully, but the ridiculous corn rows ain't cutting it. Gonzaga in the third after openly criticizing McCully's barbershop disaster.

Tyson Griffin Vs. Marcus Aurelio
I kind of like what these guys are doing here. With just enough stubble, both have shown they CAN grow facial hair, but have simply chosen not to take part in my experiment just to piss me off. Both are winners in my book.

Josh Koscheck Vs. Chris Lytle
Damn you Koscheck and your confusing choice of hair color. Ignoring your poor fashion sense, I can't ignore your ability to put on the scruff. Josh wins, but barely. I'm thinking underwater donkey punch in the second.

Joe Stevenson Vs. Gleison Tibau
While neither Stevenson or Tibau have much to offer, Stevenson's facial hair looks to actually be an extension of his skull hair. I consider this cheating. Tibau doesn't impress, but he at least pulls out the win by decision.

Patrick Cote Vs. Ricardo Almeida
Here we have another clear cut case of man vs. man-child. Thanks for keeping it squeaky clean Almeida. Cote will have no problem spotting your kisser amidst all that nothing and will do so many, many times. Hope you like naps, cause Cote is aiming for your narcolepsy button.

Quinton Jackson Vs. Forrest Griffin
Griffin tries to stand up to Jackson's facial hair, but just like with this fight, he falls far too shy of the mark. This one is over in the first. I expect Jackson to knock Griffin silly and, in a surprise turn of events, start dancing over his unconcious body. Freaking LOVE those high kicks.

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