UFC 79- Echo calls it

As UFC 79 draws near, I find myself geeking out more and more frequently as I think about how awesome it will be to see my first set of bouts liiiiiive from Mandalay Bay. Tooling around the interwebs, I noticed lots of MMA bloggers throwing their predictions into the octagon as to which combatants will come out victorious. Given my obvious fandom of the sport, I decided it would only be appropriate to do likewise.

From what I gather, most folks base their predictions off personal favoritism, fighting prowess, experience, recent turns of event, dedication to training and the like. I don’t put much stock in that silly jibba-jabba. As such, I have decided to base my forecasts on pure and simple mathematics. You can’t go wrong with science, I say, and you can’t get much more scientific than this.

After much research and consideration, I have finally settled on a fail-proof formula to determine the outcome of these fights: (W/(V-dF~I))+dWi~Lo. Put more simply, you need simply divide the weight of a combatant by the number of vowels in his full name minus the difference in the inches and feet of his height. To that you add the difference of his win/loss ratio and, viola, you have a numerical value by which to compare your combatant of choice to all other fighters.

Weights used for this exercise are taken from UFC.com, a 0 in height (such as 6’0”) counts as zero, not ten, and “Y” does not count as a vowel because I’m prejudiced. The results of my study follow and, as you’ll see, are infallible. I urge you to bank all your bettin’ money on these predictions. Science simply cannot lie. Without further ado, I give you the results:

Doug Evans vs Mark Bocek
With Evans netting a total of five and Bocek hot on his trail at three, it looks as though this one will be a narrow win. Whether it be a quick swing in Evans’ favor or a split decision is unsure, but there you have it—Evans ftw.

Tony DeSouza vs Roan Carneiro
This one is a little more decisive. DeSouza stays in the positives with seven, but Carneiro’s solid 90 leads me to believe Tony is going to be knocked on his ass with very little effort. This one goes to Carneiro unanimously.

Dean Lister vs Joran Radeu
I’m a fan of Lister. He’s a standup guy. But even that can’t save him from the trouncing he’s destined to receive. Mathematically, Lister’s negative 181 is trumped by Radeu’s positive 106.5. I wouldn’t have believed it yesterday, but after stacking up the facts, it looks as though Lister is going to lose this one in a big way.

Manny Gamburyan vs Nate Mohr
This bout is shaping up to be another trouncing. Gamburyan’s positive 40.75 should easily win out over Mohr’s negative 151. Get ready for a bloodbath.

James Irvin vs Luis Cane
In a surprise turn of events, these two combatants both came out as perfect 8s. This can mean one of two things. A) The fight is so close judges have no other option save to call out the extremely rare “draw” or B) Nosfarlovski makes a surprise appearance under cover of a momentary power outage and drains the lifeblood of both competitors, leaving them incapable of finishing the fight or even living, for that matter.

Eddie Sanchez vs Soa Palelei
Both fighters equal out into the positives for this match-up, but Sanchez’s 234 easily bests Palelei’s 73.25. It’ll be a battle, but one wherein Palelei must ultimately fall.

Melvin Guillard vs Rich Clementi
In similar fashion to the previous fight, Guillard and Clementi will both put up a good fight in this bout. Unfortunately for Clementi, his 25 falls juuuust shy of Guillard’s 187. There’ll be no question in this one; it goes to Guillard by (most likely) decapitation.

Lyoto Machida vs Rameau Sokoudjou
Obviously, the night is really starting to get entertaining at this point. Following two decidedly (by math!) decent fights will be an even more epic battle when Machida and Sokoudjou step into the cage. By a difference of 11 to 71.33, however, Sokoudjou will stand victorious this go-round after systematically laying the smackdown on Machida’s unsuspecting face.

Chuck Liddell vs Wanderlei Silva
I think it’s safe to assume most folks are expecting to see two grand battles coming out of the final two fights of the night. Such will not be the case, however. With a difference of negative 190 to positive 24, the Axe Murderer won’t chip away at the Ice Man so much as cut him to frickin’ pieces in record time. This one goes to Silva by a sound margin.

Georges St. Pierre vs Matt Hughes
You all know my personal thoughts concerning this fight and science is here to prove me correct. And how! By a whopping difference of negative 132 to a positive 182, St. Pierre is fated to thoroughly destroy Hughes in their third meeting in the octagon by ripping the man’s arms off and soundly beating him about the head with his own bloody limbs while simultaneously spouting off lines of something (most likely witty and a bit rude) in French. The judges will look confused for a moment, but there’s not really a question as to who the victor is when such events unfold. The guy with no arms is the clear loser.