Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Kids and their damn country music

It's been a while since I've picked up a CD, so I thought, given the fact nothing of interest has caught my attention over the airwaves, I'd run down to my local Target and see what the "new release" rack had to offer. I do this on a regular basis, actually, but I thought I'd begin this rant by painting you a picture with my elegant words. I hope they were poetic enough to do the trick.

Anyway, after laughing at the latest offerings from Garth Brooks, Godsmack (celebrating ten years? Way to cash in on four mediocre CDs, boys) and the like, I decided it was high time I complain about something that's been ticking me off longer than Godsmack's apparently epic career. Given the recent videogame review debacle, the topic of authenticity weighs heavy on my mind as of late. This is something lacking in music in general.

Let's begin with the boy bands. Now that the N'Sync and BSB craze has died down, what I find most entertaining are these prefab groups coming out nowadays using the exact same tactics, only now they target a completely different audience. The genius of this is the fact those emo/goth kids who pretended to vomit every time "Bye Bye Bye" came on are now the ones locked away in their dark rooms with Fallout Boy posters on the walls, quietly weeping because, gosh darn it, these guys are so real and truly get what they, such a unique and troubled teen, are going through.

I'm not knocking the goth/emo lifestyles here but...Okay, yes I am. But again, that's for another post.

Now on to rap and country and we'll call it quits for the night. You've got rugged model rejects from New York belting out fake southern drawls about life on the range and drinking sweet tea with Peggy Sue to crappy soft rock hooks (a little fiddle in the background makes it authentic, it turns out) and no-talent gangsta' wannabes talking about smackin' hoes and shootin' some bitches when they have no idea what it's like to grow up on the streets, much less what it's like to have a gun pulled on them. The only crime they've ever been guilty of is writing lyrics that don't make sense to even themselves and then conning folks into believing that, when combined with the latest boom-chickie-boom-boom beat they ripped from some other artist, it passes as legitimate music. "Let's get retarded in here" says it best.

I could go on for hours about the silly hairstyles that destroy depth perception, the gold freaking grills and the Corona "cowboy" hats, but there's no way anyone would want to listen to me for that long. What about you guys? Any music trends pissing you off?


The Jeff said...

"Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk" doesn't strike you as genuine country music?

My dad has family in North Carolina (I don't claim them because they are crazy) and we visited them a few years back. This was like, 1993. Anyway, I spent about a week with those people and I must have heard them say honky-tonk badonkadonk a dozen times a day. My great grandpa even showed me some pictures from when he was young, and on the back of a photo of his wife it said "Milly before she had kids and lost her honky-tonk badonkadonk."

He cried a little when he showed me that photo.

-Ryan Winslett said...

The sad thing is I can't tell if you're being funny or not...le' sigh.

Anonymous said...

If I ever see Trace Adkins in person, no matter if he's 8-feet-tall or whatever, I will send his ass straight to Arlington. O wait, that's only where they bury actual soldiers, not fuck-wads that get rich singing other fuck-wads retarded, heart-string-tugging drivel ABOUT soldiers. Trace Adkins can gently shave my balls, then insert both (one at a time, then the two together) into his mouth ever-so-gently and tickle my dick with his moustache. In Vegas last weekend all the casinos were blasting "country" music, and if ever hear Taylor Swift's "Our Song" one more time, you guessed it, she's sucking my balls. AND my taint. Lyrics: "When were on the phone and you talk real slow
Cause it's late and your Mama don't know" No, people don't talk slow when their mama don't know, you dumb whore, they talk slow because of a mental deficiency. Grr.

-Ryan Winslett said...

You know, I never even gave a thought to how illogical some country lyrics are. I guess what's coming out of hip hop these days is so baffling it makes lines like those above appear almost sane. But you're right. They aren't sane. Not one little bit. And that's why I'm fly.